AMBUSTEM
69/83
NOTICE OF RETURN TO UNITED KINGDOM.
TO: The neighbours, friends, relatives and people he owes
money to, this is issued in solemn warning this day
of .............., that ......................... will be heading
west in ....... days.
LOCK UP YOUR WOMEN IN THEIR HOMES
TOP
UP THE FRIDGE WITH COLD BEER
GET HIS CIVVIES OUT OF MOTHBALLS.
Dear ..............................
Very soon the above named will be in your midst once again, de-hydrated,
dejected
and demoralised. he will be eager to regain his place in society as
a human being,
entitled to liberty, freedom and justice, whilst engaged on a somewhat
delayed pursuit
of happiness.
In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back to civilisation,
you must
make some allowances for the crude environment which has become his
home for the past
six months. in brief, he may have become a trifle Arabian cum Indian
cum Chinese (known
as Golligicated in naval circles.) He will probably be suffering from
Rashitis, Sweatitis and
Dogitis or even the shakes (a common complaint brought on by the consumption
of too much
ouzo, glop, tiger beer and other alcoholic beverages that defy description
or name.)
Therefore, show no signs of alarm if he prefers to sit on the floor
instead of a chair,
wear his only desert boots out doors and the rest of the time wanders
around clad in a
towel and flip flops.
His diet, to which he has grown accustomed, should, for the first
few weeks, consist
of tinned milk (watered down considerably) or powdered milk mixed
with plenty of lumps,
de-hydrated potatoes or other canned veg. Fresh or rich foods should
be avoided for the
first few weeks and then introduced gradually. his only meat should
be very tough, fatty
beef.
If on being awakened for breakfast he uses very strong language in
making known
his desire for you to leave him alone, muttering something about "middles",
don't be
alarmed, treat it as normal, which for the past few months it has
been, also don't show
any sign of shock or embarrasment if on wakening him, you find him
in the Ah Hem!
nude. This is due to the fact that his only pair of Knicks are drying
on a chair in the
bathroom together with his socks (thousand milers) and on some very
rare occasions, a
handkerchief.
Do not allow him on the road unaccompanied as this could prove fatal.
Rather than
walk anywhere, he will sit on the pavement for hours waiting for some
motorist to take pity
on him and give him a lift. Also sidetrack him from partially filled
coaches, for he will
almost certainly regard them as organised trips to the local brewery.
Never allow him to go shopping on his own, explain to him that all
kinds of arguing
cajoling, bartering and even threatening the shop keepers is not done
back home, otherwise
you might find yourself trying to explain to the local tobacconist
why your dearly beloved
refered to him as a black enamelled two faced #@+!!?#.
if at meal times his method of using a knife and fork remind you of
a navvy wielding
a pick and shovel, pay no attention, he will soon assimilate that
he is once again in the
presence of human beings and not just a collective of numbers and
ranks. Ignore cries
of "pass the slide or red lead". He will soon learn the
correct names agian. Also ignore
the fact that at supper times he makes sandwiches out of everything
on his plate and
sneaks them upstairs muttering something about "nine-o-clockers".
At odd times during the day he may rop off to sleep in the oddest
positions and
places, waking to cries of such things as "is the water back
on yet." Do not laugh at this
and ignore the bewildered look of childlike joy on his face every
time he turns on the taps
and finds hot AND cold water. He will soon expect this as normal.
The beer in the fridge is also very important as at 1630 every day
expect him to come
running into the kitchen demanding his three tinnies. These acts of
mercy on your part
will help to slowly recondition him to what you call civilisation.
Never ask him for cigarettes or money. You will only be sadly disappionted
and let
yourself in for such a long and hart rendering tale of why he hasn't
got any, that you'll
finnish up supplying them both.
His language will take some getting used to at first, but in a short
time, with
patience, he can be tought to speak english again. Never ask him why
the lad down the road
has a higher rank and never in his presence make flattering remarks
about the R.A.F or Army
For the first few months (untill house trained agian) be particularly
watchful when he
is in the company of women, especially young and beautiful specimens.
After seeing women
woped by handsome men on the cinima screen for the past few months
(his only contect with
that side of life) he visualises himself as the answer to every girls
prayer and afew she dos'nt
know about yet. His intentions are sincere though dishonourable.
Lastly, keep in mind that beneath his tanned rugged exterior, there
beats a heart of
gold, although somewhat tarnished maybe. Treasure this, as it is the
only thing of value
he has left. Treat him with kindness and tolerance. An occasional
quart or rum berofe
his dinner and you will know the boundless joy of having returned
to mankind and sanity
that which returns to you a hollow shell of a man you once knew.
